Can't Hide Anymore
by gloryblastit
Summary: Johnny's view of the fire and the hospital
1. Default Chapter

Fucking Dallas. So what, his parents don't give a shit about him. He's not the one who killed someone, he's not the one hiding out in a church with a 13 year old, for Christ sake. Sorry, 14 year old.  
Pony's in the back of the car, kind of pouting. I know he wants to go back, though. He's been fighting tears all week, cuddling up to me at night like he must do with Soda at home. I feel awful for dragging him with me. I just didn't want to go alone.  
Can't hide anymore, though. I knew my parents wouldn't ask about me. They never have before. When I got beat up that time by the socs I spent a whole week at Pony's house and they never asked about me or looked for me, not even once.  
Why should now be any different?  
Dallas is mad. He got us this hide out, he said, and now we're going back like ungrateful bastards. He's gripping the steering wheel hard and driving fast, that dangerous look on his face. He's in his dangerous mood.  
Maybe he'll break his own rule and punch me, he's so mad. I don't care if he does. It isn't fair to Pony and I can't live in that goddamn church the rest of my life. Can I?  
I'm starring hard at the passing scenery. My fucking parents, Christ! Why can't I let them go? They don't care, so fucking what? Dallas is right, the gang cares. Two bit probably wouldn't haul off to Texas to look for any of the others. Just me. I know they care, maybe more about me than the others, yeah, I know they do. But it just ain't enough.  
"Look, Johnny, I ain't mad at you," Dallas said, and his voice was high and funny. So funny that I turned to look at him.  
"It's just that you don't know what a couple of months in jail can do to you," Pony was starring at him, too. Dally wasn't looking at us, just starring straight ahead.  
"You get hard in jail. I don't want that to happen to you, like it happened to me," Pony's mouth was open in surprise and I was looking at him wide eyed. He never talked like this.  
"Do you want me to spend the rest of my life hiding out?" I said.  
He didn't get a chance to answer.  
"Glory! Look at that!" he said, slamming on the breaks. The church was on fire and there were kids, little kids huddled in groups, crying. And two teachers, looked like.  
Pony jumped out and ran for the church. Dallas looked mad and surprised. Nothing surprised me anymore. Truth is, I felt kind of numb, since I killed that kid. The whole week I felt like I was dead, rotting in that church.  
"Jerry! Some of the children are missing!" The lady teacher said that to the man. He looked around, shook his head no.  
"They are! I haven't seen them in half an hour!"  
Then we heard it, faint cries from inside the church. The door was filled with flames and Ponyboy looked at the boarded up window.  
I ran for the church, picked up a huge stone and shoved it through the boarded up window. Me and Pony went in, following the cries.  
"Is that guy coming?" Pony shouted, and coughed. I could barely see in front of me, the smoke was so thick. I coughed, too.  
"No,"  
"How come? Too scared?"  
"No, man, too fat,"  
Dallas had come after us but he didn't come in. My opinion of him shook a little bit. Dallas was supposed to be brave, but he stood outside, glaring at us.  
"Ponyboy! Johnny! Get out of there! Are you crazy?"  
A funny thing happened then. I felt alive. I wasn't scared like I'd spent years being. I'd spent years fearing my parents, the socs, teachers, cops. That went away. I saw little kids in a corner screaming.  
"Shut up! We're gonna get you out!" I yelled at them and saw Pony looking at me with surprise. The kids were too scared to move, we had to pick them up and hand them to Dallas, who kept telling us to get the hell out of there.  
There were some kids trapped in a different part of the church, further back. We had to get them. The smoke was so thick and it burned my throat and eyes. I could barely breathe but it didn't matter. Only the kids mattered.  
I thought we got all the kids out. The smoke was getting so thick and it was hard to think. I couldn't see, I couldn't tell which way was which any more. I could hear Ponyboy and Dallas yelling but I didn't know where they were.  
Then I heard this noise, like a giant tree falling, splitting off from some giant trunk. It was the roof of the church and a beam fell right on me. It was so painful that I saw this blinding light and I started screaming, screaming. I was probably still screaming when I passed out.  
The next thing I was aware of was a humming sound, like a low hum or buzz. I didn't know what it was or where I was or anything. All I knew was that I was in a lot of pain. Burns hurt really bad, especially the third degree burns I had. The pain kind of goes around in a circle, it throbs kind of and then it's sharp and it circles back. If that makes sense, I just don't know how to describe it.  
I opened my eyes and saw white walls and a lady dressed in white. There was a mask on my face for oxygen, that was what the humming was, the oxygen tank. But I didn't like that mask. It made me feel kind of trapped. I reached up to take it off but when I did a sharp pain shot through my arms and my whole body, kind of. I made a noise, not a yell but like a groan of pain and the nurse turned to me.  
"No," she said and took my hand away from the mask, "leave it on,".  
"Dally," I said, and my voice was funny, hoarse and cracked like my vocal cords were burned too, "Ponyboy,"  
"Are they your friends you were with?" She said, and her voice was nice, kind of low and soothing. I nodded because it hurt to talk and I was kind of too tired to talk.  
"You'll see them tomorrow," she said. I got kind of panicky. I hurt so much and I wanted to see them. I needed to see them.  
"Dallas, Ponyboy," I had to kind of push the words out, it was so hard to talk.  
"Shhh, you'll see them tomorrow," she said, and she came over and readjusted the oxygen mask. 


	2. ch2

A/N: I don't know why I'm continuing this, I guess I just felt like it.  
  
I struggled against the mask and on top of the continuous pain it was hard. The nurse finally switched the mask to one of those little oxygen tube prong things that go in the nose. There was an I.V. pole with a big bag of fluid hanging from it. It wasn't hooked up to me but I didn't like the look of it, I figured it would be.  
I heard someone coming and hoped it was Pony or Dally. Please, I thought. But it wasn't. It was a doctor and I heard him talking about me to the nurse, their voices such soft whispers but I heard them.  
"How is he?" he asked her.  
"He's conscious, fairly lucid, agitated," I closed my eyes. Maybe then the doctor wouldn't talk to me or do anything to me.  
"Johnny?" He had a doctor's voice, he sounded like he read books all day, what Pony'll probably sound like when he's older.  
"Yeah?" I kept my eyes closed. The hospital smell was making me feel sick, it smelled like blood and lysol.  
"Johnny, I am going to put in a large bore central venous catheter," I opened my eyes. The doctor was younger than I thought he would be. I didn't understand what he said.  
"What?"  
"It's an I.V. but in a bigger vein. It will go in right by your collar bone," Now that my eyes were open I noticed he had all this stuff lined up on a little table. There was a light blue paper thing under all the metal tools and small tubes. My eyes went round, I know they did.  
"Now? You're gonna do that...now?" I could feel the fear on top of the pain and the fact that I couldn't really breath right, I felt crazy.  
"Yep, now. It's a simple procedure," I closed my eyes again. I couldn't stop him from doing that but I wouldn't watch. He told me everything he was doing in the sort of voice you'd use with little kids.  
"O.K., Johnny, I'm going to numb the area, you'll feel a little sting..." Needle. I could feel the cold tip of it against my skin. I squeezed my eyes shut and wished for anyone I knew to be here. Why couldn't they be?  
"O.K. It's done," The numbing stuff hadn't worn off. I opened my eyes and saw the tube snaking into my skin.  
"Hey," I said, "can I see my friends?"  
"Only family members are allowed in the ICU," ICU. I couldn't think what it stood for. Then I remembered, intensive care. Then I felt real scared, I must be really bad off. Family. That was a fucking joke. Like my parents would show up.  
He didn't leave like I thought he was gonna. He went to the end of the bed and lifted the blanket a little. I couldn't see what he was doing.  
"Can you feel this?" Feel what?  
"No," I said it in a shaky voice, like I was about to cry. He moved the blanket a bit and I could see he had a pin against my foot. I didn't feel it at all. He moved the pin up my leg. Nothing.  
Up my legs, up, up, I felt nothing. Near the middle of my back I felt it, the sharp point of the pin against my skin.  
"I'm crippled," I said and it didn't seem like a real conversation to be having. I saw the fluid from that bag rushing into my vein and I could feel the oxygen thing in my nose and laying against my cheek. The room had a dingy yellow wallpaper and it looked old, like this hospital had been here for hundreds of years. Crippled.  
"Well, I want to get some X rays but it appears that you may have broken your back," Broken your back, I heard the words in my head after he said them.  
"All right, Johnny. Get some sleep now," I nodded at him. I wanted to ask to see Pony and Dally again but I knew he wouldn't let me so I stayed quiet.  
When he left the nurse came back. She took my temperature and adjusted the oxygen thing by twisting a knob on the tank and then I could breath a little better. Then she left, too. Crippled. I could see it clear. I'd be in a wheelchair trapped in my fucking house, my parents screaming at me all the time.  
The pain was a dull steady throb and I felt so tired, I'd never felt tired like this before and a thought came into my head, 'I'm dying', and I felt real scared. Instead of a wheelchair I'd have a tombstone. 


	3. ch3

When I used to talk about killing myself I thought I wanted that. I was so sick of all of this. Being poor, being a greaser, getting jumped by the socs for kicks, my parents fightin' all the time. I wanted to die. But now, being so tired, the doctors and nurses whispering, trying stuff but it wasn't working…I didn't want to die now. It wasn't fair.

I felt almost too tired to open my eyes but I knew it was sunny, I could feel the sun on my face.

"Johnny?" It was a nurse. Her voice was soft and nice. But I didn't open my eyes. I didn't answer her.

"Johnny?" She came closer, checking the I.V.'s and the machines, and she touched my arm where it wasn't burned. I opened my eyes. She was all dressed in white, short dark hair under a white cap. The room looked brighter than it should have, maybe. Her white uniform kind of glowed, and she peered into my eyes.

"Johnny? Are you in pain?" Her voice was soft and concerned and I closed my eyes. I couldn't keep them open.

"O.K.," she said, but not really to me. Kind of to herself.

I'd tried moving my legs and couldn't. It just didn't seem real. Seemed like I should be able to get up and walk away.

"Hey, kid," I opened my eyes and saw Tim Shepard standing in the doorway. He whistled, a low whistle cause I looked like shit.

"Hey, Tim,"

"Is, uh, where's Dally?"

"Across the hall,"

"Alright. Shit, kid, you look like shit," I laughed a little, then this pain shot through me and I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I bet I was as white as the damn sheet.

"Oh Christ, you alright?" He sounded worried. I'd never heard Tim sound worried about nothin'.

"Yeah," I said, my eyes still shut. Tim was honest, had to give him that.

"Well, alright, uh, see you later," He left, went to see Dally. They'd always been buddies.

It wasn't like I was sleeping so much as passing out, getting sucked into blackness. It wasn't like going to sleep. But time passed. The light was different.

"Hey, Johnnykid," I opened my eyes at the voice. Two bit.

"Hey, y'all," Two bit and Ponyboy. Two bit looked fine, kinda happy go lucky like he usually did. Ponyboy looked like he was gonna cry.

"So he can talk after all," the nurse said to them.

"They treatin' you okay, kid?" Two bit said.

"Don't…" I kind of gasped, "don't let me put enough grease on my hair,"

"Don't talk, just listen," Two bit pulled up a chair, Ponyboy stood behind him. He looked so worried, like he was gonna cry, and kinda sick, too. I felt guilty about Ponyboy. I killed that boy and dragged Pony to that church…this was my fault. If I was gonna die I guess I had myself to blame, but it still wasn't fair.

"We'll bring you some hair grease next time. We're havin' the big rumble tonight," Two bit said. I didn't say nothin'. Dally mentioned that, the big rumble and Cherry Valence being a spy and all. But it wouldn't change nothin'. It was useless.

"It's too bad you and Dally can't be in it. It's the first big rumble we've had, not countin' the time we whipped Shepard's outfit,"

"He came by," I said.

"Tim Shepard?"

I nodded, "Came to see Dally,"

"Did you know you got your name in the paper for being a hero?"

I nodded, "Tuff enough," Shit I was getting tired.

"You want anything besides hair grease, kid?" Two bit said.

"The book," I looked at Pony, "can you get another one?"


	4. ch4

Two bit went to the gift shop to get the book and I was glad he left. I liked him and all but he was too bouncy or something. Made me feel even tireder.

Pony sat in the chair and looked sort of scared of me cause I was so hurt. I understood. If it had been him and I was standin' there all healthy and shit I'd feel scared, too. But I wished he wouldn't be cause he didn't have to be scared.

"Dally's gonna be okay," he said, like he'd finally thought of something to say.

"And Darry and me, we're okay now," That was good. I'd known for awhile Pony had it wrong about Darry. But I couldn't really tell him cause sometimes you gotta figure shit out for yourself. I smiled at him but then I felt such a sharp pain like a steel band tightening around my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut tight.

"Johnny!" Ponyboy said, "are you okay?"

I nodded but didn't open my eyes. The pain was going away but just a little.

"Yeah, it just hurts sometimes. It usually don't…I can't feel anything below the middle of my back…"

The pain was going away but so slowly. I was breathing like I'd just ran a race or something.

"I'm pretty bad off, ain't I, Pony?"

"You'll be okay," he said but he didn't mean it. I'd known him too long not to know when he was lying.

"You gotta be," he was saying, and now he was telling the truth, and his voice sounded like he was crying or about to, "we couldn't get along without you,"

I must be dying. Your friends don't cry over you if you're gonna be okay.

"I won't be able to walk again, not even on crutches. Busted my back," I wanted him to see how it was. I knew Ponyboy, and he could get, like, he'd lie to himself about things. Pretend things were okay, like a little kid does.

"You'll be okay," he said, like I had to be okay and if he said it I would be. He was fightin' back the tears. Shit. He knew I was dyin' just as much as I knew it.

"You want to know something, Ponyboy? I'm scared stiff. I used to talk about killing myself…" I sucked in my breath, fighting off the pain and the tiredness. I wanted to close my eyes, pass out, sink in the blackness. But this was important. I had to tell someone.

"I don't want to die now. It ain't long enough. Sixteen years ain't long enough. I wouldn't mind it so much if there wasn't so much stuff I ain't done yet and so many things I ain't seen. It's not fair. You know what? That time we were in Windrixville was the only time I've been away from our neighborhood,"

"You ain't gonna die," he said, and I wanted to believe him.

"And don't get juiced up, because the doc won't let us see you no more if you do,"

I closed my eyes, trying to stay conscious. I knew Pony wouldn't accept me dying for awhile after I'd done it. I knew that. Of course while he's talkin' to me here he'll pretend I'll be okay. I used to like that, his way of pretending, but I could never do it.

"Johnny," a nurse said, "your mother's here to see you,"

I opened my eyes. My mother? What the hell did she want?

"I don't want to see her,"

"She's your mother,"


	5. ch5

"I said I don't want to see her," I couldn't believe this. I'm fucking dying and now she comes? Now? What about all the time before?

"She's probably come to tell me about all the trouble I'm causing her and about how glad her and the old man'll be when I'm dead,"

It was, all this time I'd needed her, them, well fuck them. I didn't need them anymore.

"Well, tell her to leave me alone. For once…for once just to leave me alone," I tried to sit up, to get up so that nurse wouldn't let her in, or so I could get away. But the pain from before came back but worse, so much worse, and then nothing.

I must have passed out cause when I came to Pony was gone, and the light was different, and I was alone.

I wasn't as awake now. I felt weird, like my mind wasn't thinking right, like death wasn't that bad.

Nurses and doctors came and went but it hardly mattered. I could hear them talking about me and it wasn't good. "Not much longer," they said.

And I could hear them talking to me, their voices soft and gentle like they were talking to a baby.

"Johnny? Can you hear me? Johnny?"

They said my name a lot. Maybe they teach 'em that in school. I could have answered but it would have taken so much energy, so much. So I just listened.

I kind of remembered things but not like normal remembering. It was so real. I saw my old man hittin' me, my mom ignoring me. The night me and Pony ran away I told him I didn't have nobody. Pony said, "Shoot, you got the whole gang," and I told him it wasn't the same.

Well, it wasn't the same. But Pony was right. It was how it was. So maybe I didn't have normal parents who loved me like they were supposed to but I had the gang, and they were my family.

The light faded away outside and time seemed to go so fast. They'd be going to the rumble soon, and maybe Dally'd sneak out and go, too. They said he wasn't hurt too bad.

All the fightin' used to seem normal, like it was just the way to settle things. The socs jumping us, we'd fight with them, then have a rumble to settle it, once and for all. But it didn't settle nothin'.

Nurses and doctors again. They looked all serious but I wished they'd leave. I didn't like them in here touching me and talkin' about me.

Those kids at the church, it woulda been much worse if they died. All their parents would have been so sad. Since I was dying my parents didn't give a shit. But also, it was like, those kids might have a chance at a good life. My chances were pretty much gone. Cause I sucked in school and would have dropped out, got some low paying job somewhere and I'd probably start drinkin' cause my old man drinks. It probably kills the pain he feels, like I feel it, too. We probably ain't that different. And if I had kids I'd probably hit 'em, too, cause it's the thing I've seen. It's all I'd know to do.

But I don't want that life, having some kid of mine feeling as worthless as I do. Those little kids at the church, they got everything in front of 'em. Their lives are worth more than mine.

I hoped Pony would come back, and Dally, and all of 'em, just one last time. I'd like to see 'em before I die. I know I'm gonna die. Today or tomorrow. I'm so fucking tired.

"Johnny?" The nurse. I opened my eyes and looked at her.

"Some people are here to see you," she spoke cautiously, like she wasn't sure I'd understand.

"Who?" I said, and my voice sounded rusty, unused.

"The parents of the kids you saved, can they come in?"

"Yeah,"

She went out to get them. They came in, five people, three women and two men. They looked around the room kinda scared, just like Pony looked when he saw all the machines and shit.

"Johnny?" one lady said, coming over to me. I nodded and tried to keep my eyes open.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Tears spilled down her cheeks. Then another lady came over to me.

"Thank you," I closed my eyes just cause they were so heavy but I kinda smiled a little. Yeah. It was worth saving those kids.

In and out, just drifting. All those people were gone and I didn't even see them go. And it was dark out. They must all be at the rumble by now.

"Hey, kid," My eyes flew open at the voice. Dally.

"Hey," I said softly, trying to sound okay.

"How ya doing, kid?"

"Okay," I lied, but he knew I was lying so it was okay. We'd get to the truth later.

Dally was dressed, somewhat. He had jeans on, no shirt, but a leather jacket on. It was all burnt on one side, it was the jacket he'd given to Pony.

"I'm going to that rumble," he said.

"How? How'd they let you go?"

"This didn't hurt," he flashed Two bit's black handled switchblade.

"Dally," my voice was so quiet he had to lean down to hear me, "come back, and bring Pony, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, kid,"

"Dal?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget,"


	6. ch6

So Dal left. I felt so weird, my thoughts were different, more real than they ever had been. I kinda felt like if I closed my eyes I might die.

"Johnny?" It was a doctor, but not the same one who put in the I.V. thing. This doctor was older, short gray hair, lines in his face.

"Yeah?"

He sat down next to me and took a deep breath. He had on a white coat and a stethoscope was around his neck.

"We've done all we can do for you, but with the extent of your injuries…" he trailed off. I stared at him, my breath coming in harsh little gasps.

"You're going to die," he said, and he didn't look away. Oh, man. I knew it anyway but to hear someone say it, man.

He left. I started thinking about the week in the church, how I thought I knew Pony so well. I mean, we grew up in the same neighborhood and everything. I knew he liked to read and shit, and liked school. But I didn't really know him before that week in the church.

That poem, I liked that poem he said that morning. I couldn't remember it word for word but I remembered the sense of it. Pony said he didn't really know what it meant and that kinda surprised me cause I always thought he understood all that stuff. I knew what it meant, well, I knew what it meant to me.

It was funny about Ponyboy. He hated being a greaser, hated when Cherry told him she wouldn't say hi to him at school. It doesn't really mean nothin'. We're all people underneath whatever we're called, greaser or soc or whatever. A place with just people after all, funny I hadn't noticed before.

So tired. I felt like I was just barely hanging on. It would be so easy to go, to let go, like going under water. So tired.

But I struggled against it, against that tiredness cause I wanted to see Dally and Pony again, I missed them already.

The nurse was always in and out, checking stuff, looking worried.

"Hey," I said to her. I could just barely keep my eyes open. My voice sounded like shit, all scratchy, barely above a whisper. She leaned down to me.

"Can you get me a paper and pen?" She nodded, went off to get it.

Pony would be okay. He was smart. He'd be whatever he wanted to be. But Dally, I didn't know. He was so cynical. Pony noticed all the clouds and the colors and shit cause he, I don't know, he saw the beauty in the world. He made me see it. Things were gold, like the poem said. For Dally it wasn't that way, but no one had ever told him, pointed it out like Pony did for me.

I was worried about Dally cause he was gonna miss out on stuff. He'd miss out on the good stuff in the world unless maybe someone told him to notice it. And I felt so tired I was afraid that by the time they finally showed up I wouldn't be able to tell him. To tell Pony to stay like he was cause it was like gold.

Being near death I saw things clear and wanted them to, too. But shit, man, I was gonna pass out. I couldn't see as well, I wanted to go to sleep.

"Here," the nurse said, giving me the pen and paper. I wrote Ponyboy a note, telling him all the shit I'd been thinking. There was no way I could explain it to him when he comes, if he does. Cause that rumble, who the hell knows what kind of shape they'll be in, if they'll even show up at all. I ain't mad, though. I know they'd want to come, it's only that they might not.

I put the paper in the book after I'd written the note, gave it to the nurse.

"Can you give this book to Ponyboy Curtis?"

"Yes, sure," she said, taking the book. Good. I closed my eyes.

I thought someone was in the room. Maybe Dally and Pony, I'd see them. But it wasn't. It was the gray haired doctor who said I was gonna die.

"How are you feeling, Johnny?"

"Tired," Shit, man. I could barely keep my fucking eyes open.

I thought I heard people in the hall, then the doctor said, "I'm sorry, boys, but he's dying."

"We gotta see him," Dally. I heard him flick out Two bit's blade. He'd slice this doctor up to get to see me.

"We're gonna see him and if you give me any static you'll end up on your own operatin' table,"

"You can see him," the doctor said, "but it's because you're his friends, not because of that knife,"

I heard them come in and breathing like they ran all the way here.

"Johnnycake?" Dally said, "Johnny?" I moved a little and opened my eyes.

"Hey,"

"We won," Dal told me, "we beat the socs. We stomped them…chased them outa our territory."

Dally and Pony both looked like shit, all bloody and beat up.

"Useless…fighting's no good…" I could barely get the words out.

"They're still writing editorials about you in the paper. For being a hero and all,"

"Yeah," Dal went on, his voice kinda calm, he never lost his cool, "they're calling you a hero now and heroizin' all the greasers. We're all proud of you, buddy." That was somethin'. Imagine that, Dally proud of me.

"Ponyboy." I said. He came closer and leaned over me, his ear right next to my mouth.

"Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold…" It was all I could say, I knew he didn't understand, but maybe he would. Maybe they all would before it was too late.


End file.
